Teenagers: Parenting for the best

It is a world of new experiences, fascinations, likings (and disliking), confusion, fan-worships, fun, and infatuations. Every adult has a part of the “teen” in them. But then, they are mature enough to understand the goodness and to realise facts over a period of time.

This stage of transition for children is different nowadays from what it was few decades ago for various reasons. To mention two:

1. The main stakeholders who had a role 20 or 30 years back were the parents, grandparents, relatives, teachers and friends. The Joint family system (or extended family with more members) helped in hearing the versions of the teenagers and acted as a solace in a family. In addition to hearing by the elders, this also brought in serendipitous learning to all. The nuclear family system has reduced the human interaction to a limited parent-to-child.
2. The omnipresent technology or media and their access has made it an important stakeholder in shaping the thoughts of child as (s)he moves on in this Google age.

Parents and teachers need to realise that children when going through the phase as “teenager” are often young to understand the first experiences of natural changes in body and thinking. They may challenge, question or react in a manner parents do not expect (not always)! The parents have to learn that its largely natural, and accordingly set their maturity to the tune of “temporary whims and fancies”. Some parents find it hard to relate to their children when they are teenagers. It’s tough if we think so, but it’s a management in parenting and every parent should have an insight about this.

In a nuclear family, with parents having their own busy schedule at work, on net or TV the teenager is dependent more on the media. But any answer from the searches, will be short of the emotional and personal touches and clarifications they get from mother, father or teachers! And that’s key for a teenager of today.

The ages of teen is the first stage of exploring an identity in life. Anxiety, shyness, dilly- dallying, appearance, feelings, timid, challenging, perfection, liking, loving… there are many combinations we go through.

Some parents remark (s)he is acting strange – weird. But in reality the parent is unable to listen and understand to the natural phenomenon of changes in thinking of the child; and to accept it. Instead of considering this as different and unnatural, if parents accept this and then try to explore on why (s)he thinks so, the child feels comfortable.

Teenage is a period of life in which some feel thinking, talking, feeling etc of a different nature is a “mistake” and they brood on these without sharing. If shared (or the parents give the atmosphere of sharing) the family can realise this as often trivial and could ease the worry or heaviness on the child. Marks in class, recognition, achievements, abilities, affiliations, comparisons… all are to be dealt with an open mind. Because it’s a natural transitional period. for positioning the personality for the future. The success of parents/teachers is the ability to give a confident situation in which (s)he can open up anything and get their support. Build that confidence and trust.

An important message at this stage is not to sink into the infatuations of ascribed “love” and sacrifice this transitional period to a life of worries, fights and conflicts. The real love often gets clearer after the “teenage cloudiness” of a loaded mind of feelings, fan-fares, glitter and pomp. This is a period in which the parents have to guide them (walking with their thoughts and sorting it). Teachers have a big role, as they have seen many students growing through these stages and excellent teachers can make a difference. They have the duty to listen, care and guide the children to the unknown wisdoms of children, which the students are yet to achieve. They are touching the future.

Parents care for their children (sometimes over cared ). As children some don’t think and accept how we hold them. As a teenager it becomes important that (s)he also feels we care, since an enquiry mind of thinking would have started. LISTEN to them. Hear and feel their versions. Some may be silly, insignificant, from your perception; but do not ignore the importance with which they put it.

Avoid conflicts. If you shout or get angry at a teenager after years of your maturity what does it say? Even though you know what a teenager is asking for is not genuine , never give a point blank “No” until it’s so serious (which is generally not). There might be an element of thought that you may not have felt from his/her perspective. Be patient and positive in listening. Impatient and sarcastic listening are sometimes worse than not listening to!

Don’t push to fall in line with the “parental aspirations”. In childhood the child may easily get coerced to aspirations of parents, and teachers. But in teenage, (s)he would have started experiencing what they like. If what they like is different from parental aspirations, a conflict can arise. It’s here again the parent /teacher has to be a good mentor on knowing the reasons for the “like”.

Accept teenagers as they are. Let them like, adore, enjoy and be fascinated during this discovery period about them and the world. The parents have to observe, and not to intervene unless they feel the children get tricked, decepted or trapped with these natural feelings. For this the parents (and teachers) need to know what they are at.

Mentor them without their knowing. That’s an art of parenting. “A bundle of advices” at this age may not be quite receptive to children. The best way is to “be with their ideas, and transform them if necessary”. Walk that extra mile alongwith their ideas.